The Pregnant Waddle

Pre-Pregnancy Weight Just Around the Corner (It's Trying to Run and Hide)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

To Ph.D. or not to Ph.D.

It has long been an ambition of mine to get a Ph.D. in English Literature. The Plan since before the Husbandlet and I got married has been for him to finish up his doctorate, and then we’d put me back in school. We also planned to have our first baby after my first year back in grad school, so you see how good we are at planning. In any case, the harsh realities of being a working mommy have brought me up short. I miss the Squid, I am sad that two-thirds of her waking hours are spent in the company of people who are not me (or the Husbandlet), and I never never never want to have to re-live the angst that was adapting the Squid to day care, with the Squid or with a subsequent baby. I also don’t want to become the sort of person who keeps producing children for other people to raise while I blithely cloister myself in an office and publish or perish. So, the Plan has lately undergone major revision.

It makes me sad to think of shelving the Phud indefinitely, perhaps forever. I’ve taught at college before and enjoyed it tremendously, far more than teaching high school. It makes me sad to give up the dream of the Husbandlet and I being the Drs. Waddle, as in,

Hapless student on telephone: May I please speak to Dr. Waddle?
One of us: The English one or the Biology one?

and working together at a college or university somewhere. But, on the other hand, missing the baby! And being exhausted all the time! And what about the possibility of homeschooling? (My tenure in the public school system has destroyed what little good feeling I had for it in the first place.)

Anyway, this is just a brief rundown of many weeks—months—of thought, prayer, discussion, and soggifying the Husbandlet’s shoulder. Trusting that God will give me the desires of my heart, even if not through the route I mapped out or in the ways that I anticipated, is incredibly hard; I’ve always been goal-oriented, do-it-myself, Type A. However, based on letting-go experiences of the past, I do know that I will not look back on this decision with crippling regret; I can’t rule out regret altogether, though of course I hope I feel none; but I do know it’ll all work out.


At 10:07 PM, Blogger Neb said...

eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! THE HOMESCHOOLING!!! :-D

(Sorry, I guess I'm not totally impartial on this one.)

It's cool. Remember, whether or not you get a PhD you're always going to be an awesome Reader and Writer and in my mind, that's what really matters...?

Love you,
Neb :-)

At 7:47 PM, Blogger Jenny said...

Well, homeschooling is a big deal and I know a lot of folks who love doing it. On the other hand, if you decide to send your child(ren) to school, then it opens up a whole world of grad school for you. What a cool role model you'd be! Earning your PhD while your child(ren) start their own schooling. I know that I have hopes of returning to grad school once Sweetie Pie starts elementary school. True, four years is a long way away and things change, but I love the idea that she'll see that her mom can both be there for her *and* pursue her own dreams and goals (yes, I worry about Doodles, too, but I'm much more conscious about providing a positive model for my daughter. I want her to see all her choices out there). A little longwinded of me, but I think you can do it all... eventually.


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